So, I saw this thing on Facebook where people are joining a group called "I'll Bet This Pickle Can Get More Fans Than Nickelback" or something.
I get it. It's very cute. We all think Nickelback sucks and we like to pick on them. But you know what?
How fair is this to Nickelback? You've never met them. How does anyone know whether or not they suck, really? Maybe they're fantastic musicians who got screwed into a shitty deal with their record company. Maybe every time they write a song, it's indie rock gold, but some lawyer says, "Right, this is a fun song and all, but according to clause 12c, you've got to change the lyrics to be far more trite. And when you sing them, do your best to sound like you've got a hernia. It does well with the 'southern dude with a goatee and no original thoughts' demographic. Oh, and you're not allowed to get a normal haircut. Put the weird wig back on, Chad, and let's go shoot a video where you come off really unlikeable. Next time, read before you sign."
Alright, that's unlikely.
But, still. They could be pretty cool guys and you'd never know it because you're too busy making friends with pickles out of spite. Nickelback probably has feelings. Collective group feelings. And your pickle friendship hurts them. Think about that next time you choose dill snack treats over your fellow humans with bad contracts.
In other news, I've noticed that, for some reason, there haven't been as many news stories about sexy teachers that sleep with their students recently. A little while back? Every week! Now? Not so much. So, one of a few things has happened:
1.) We caught them all. Turns out it was just a handful of teachers and our news media smoked 'em all out. Kids, enjoy math class with Mrs. Fennelfarber. Not only is she not sleeping with you, but it makes your penis hurt to think about it.
2.) Students who are currently getting it on with their teachers read blogs back then and learned from the comments left by older men that, no, it doesn't get any better than they've got it, so they ought to shut it up and dig on what they've got. As a result, no more whining to reporters and no more stories.
3.) Women who are in school learning to be teachers are specifically instructed to not sleep with their students. While this was likely not an explicit part of the curriculum before, due to the "uh, no shit" nature of the material, it's probably worked into every course now before the midterms. I feel this scenario is most likely.
So, if you're a sexy lady teacher to be - especially one that harbors desires for secret passionate trysts and the like - they're probably pouring water on your firey loins every day. In a way, this saddens me. Sexy lady teachers deserve to be happy too. Instead of beating the fires down, maybe they should just teach them how to keep it on the sly and not become so overwrought with guilt that they'd end up ruining it for everyone.
(Is it illegal to use a blog to advocate for a crime? Time for a disclaimer.)
The paragraphs above a pure satire. Sexy lady teachers should tooootally always do the right thing, keep fully dressed and not fantasize about making love to students on bear skin rugs by fireplaces.
Changing topics.
One thing I love about living in Phoenix is that it's never cold. One thing I hate about living in Phoenix is that, after a couple of years, your body's temperature adjusts and turns you into a big punk who feels like it's cold when it's 65 degrees outside. Another thing I love about living in Phoenix is that there's a lot of stuff here. Another thing I hate about Phoenix is that there's so much stuff here that it can take hours to drive from your house to a friend's house, even though you live in the same place.
So, your friend can be like "Let's get together for coffee," and you'd be like "hell yes," and they'd be like, "cool, I've got to be someplace in 2 hours, so let's meet now," and you'd be like, "well, it takes me an hour to get there and then it takes you an hour to get to the other place, so we'd literally see each other for 18 seconds," and they'd be like, "why are we even friends - you're so inconvenient," and you'd be the asshole in the relationship because of where your house is. I fail to see how this is fair.
Phoenix... seriously... do something about your sprawl. If I make a friend at work and they tell me they live in the wrong part of town, we immediately write off the idea of ever hanging out.
Changing topics again.
No... wait... I'm actually out of topics.
